Becoming a mother had always been a dream of mine. I wanted to be a girl mom specifically. I pictured myself doing all the cute things, like matching outfits, brushing her hair, and holding hands while strolling down the street. It all seemed so perfect until the reality hit me. After giving birth, I felt overwhelmed, clueless, and emotional. I have gone through some strange emotions as a brand new, first time mother. It was messy, insanely beautiful, but also nerve racking experience.
I had just welcomed my greatest gift, my daughter Lilly, and I had such high expectations of myself. I had read books and followed parenting techniques to raise my daughter perfectly. No screen time before the age of 2, healthy organic meals, and multilingual story time. I wanted to be that “amazing” new mom that I had seen on social media.
But that was probably too ambitious of me!
However, as soon as Lilly was born, I was hit with reality. I did not know what to do with my long awaited doll. Oh, she is quite perfect! But she needs changing, feeding, and burping is a big deal for new babies, obviously. And I had no idea how to do any of that.
All alone in the hospital, with my big scar, traumatic birth experience, and my little adorable baby girl, and lots of strange emotions that I did not know how to cope with or who to tell?
1-I did not feel anything but pain
I was alone in the hospital, unable to move my legs, back, or even go to the bathroom. I didn’t know how to take care of my newborn baby and the weight of her felt like a mountain on my chest, even with her 3.45 kg. The pain was so unbearable that I couldn’t feel anything else, not even the joy of becoming a mother. Nurses were there to help me, but it was not enough to soothe my emotional confusion.
Laying there on the hospital bed, having my doll curling on top of my chest, struggling not just from the lack of experience, but also from the trauma of a major surgery I was not prepared for. I still remember those details however vaguely, yet the emotions so profoundly.
2-Emotional numbness
I have read so many books about motherhood, and what to expect. None of them have taught me how to deal with the emotions I had, or the emotions I didn’t have. How to switch from the pregnancy mode to the new mom mode? How to tell her I have been waiting for her when I’m in a severe pain because of her?
I didn’t even change my beautiful baby once, because I didn’t know how. The 3 inch gap between my bed and her cot, felt like 30 miles. I was so scared to touch her least I break her. I was afraid if I dropped her. I didn’t know how to put her on my breasts. I knew my breasts will hurt, but for God sake not that much I didn’t know.
I felt alone and in pain, and the emotions were too much for me to process. I couldn’t enjoy the beauty of being a mother. The wave of overwhelming emotions that all the books talked about was not there, and I felt ashamed of myself for not feeling it.
More emotions of a clueless first time mom Going home with the baby. Now what?
Having set my mind on going to “boobs vs. baby” school to learn everything about breastfeeding. The right way to hold her, the right way to latch her, the amount of milk I will make, and everything in between. The plan has changed completely as I could not take care of myself. I needed someone to take care of both of us.
3-Forget sleeping in any position
Going home was not any easier. The ride home was the most painful thing I had ever experienced, and I was still in pain when I got home. Nobody tells you about the constipation for days. You would literally do anything to GO. The shock of “your milk coming,” and the crazy hormonal shock that your body goes through. I couldn’t sleep in any position still. My body still hadn’t realized that the baby was out because I didn’t have a natural birth.
4-Am I being punished because I couldn’t PUSH?
I’m torn between my beautiful baby and my inadequate body. The body I maintained all those years, and kept it fit and healthy for that moment, failed me.
I have always thought I’m tough, I have made a list for the things I wanted and give them to my midwife. I refused Epidural, and I was so keen on being aware of everything happening. 16 hours later I’m still in labor, I’m fainting. Entonox is not helping. My baby’s heart rate is up and I could not take the pain any longer. Still didn’t eat, barely drank water and whatever was in my system was out in a projectile vomiting.
I desperately begged my husband for Epidural as I could not take the pain anymore. I was convinced that I was going to die.
5-The comparison trap. Why I’m not like Instagram moms?
Every second I put my baby on my chest I just could not explain how weirdly beautiful that was. She is so soft, so angelic but why she is crying all the time? I fed her, changed her, I’m holding her, yet she is still crying, why?
I saw some Instagram moms feeding their babies, putting them down to sleep, going for showers, and having their coffees while still hot aaaaaand sometimes binging Netflix. I wondered whether I was jinxed.
Are those mommies for real? If that is reality ,why I’m not like them and if they are lying then why??
VS.
Reality
OH YES! She is staying
She is mine, she is gonna be here always and I’m gonna have to find ways to understand how things will go. Not through books but through try and error-I guess. Because “no one tells you”.
6-Nah, Neh, wah…etc. Bullshish!
I remember googling how to distinguish my baby’s different cries. NEH, WAH, EH…ETC. I watched the mind blowing interview at Oprah’s show over and over and over again. I sat in front of my baby looking at her mouth trying to know was that neh or eh? Like an idiot I sat there not being able to crack the code. I literally could not distinguish between any of them and no shows made anything easier. It rather made me feel like a complete failure.
7-I was struggling mentally and i didn’t realize it.
I never knew how much milk I should produce and how much she should get. I was trying to squeeze every single drop out of me. And if I spelled one drop, my world broke. I felt a failure that I didn’t make enough milk for my baby.
That evening, it was her 7:45 feed and I did not have milk for my daughter. I went to the kitchen looking at the empty milk bump crying my heart out because I felt I’m starving Lilly. My husband saw me and got very worried about my mental health. For him, it was the first sign that I was not okay. I didn’t realize I was not fine. My midwife and the health visitor-on the two weeks post partum visit-told me “Lilly is doing great, we are not worried about the baby, it is you we are worried about”.
“He caught me crying over the unexpressed milk”
Emy’s suitcase
I did not understand that statement. I was struggling with post partum depression and I didn’t realize it. I thought it was just the baby blues. I thought I was just being emotional as I knew nothing about my new role. Because why would I be depressed? Society says you should be grateful. And everybody around you tells you “careful babies pick up on your emotions” and “you HAVE to be happy”. Two killer statements increase anxiety and throws the new mother to the darkest hole of emotions to suppress herself further more.
8-I was so scared of my newborn baby
Yes, I knew there will be no much sleep, but I didn’t imagine I would go for 5 days without 3 hours net. In the first week if I got 20 minutes solid, I would be happy.
The 6th night with the baby was the hardest, as the sleep deprivation hit rock bottom. My husband and I were losing our sanity because of our angelic baby who would set her alarm off every 12 minutes, when we were almost nodding off, here she goes again!!! Driving us absolutely insane.
My husband shouted at her, and I got shocked but I understood that he is really struggling. I was struggling as well but differently. I was scared of my baby. Every time she cried I jumped out of fear. I imagined her crawling on the walls and every time I got closer I saw her differently. Some other times I felt she is not mine. I struggled and suffered alone because I was ashamed to open up and talk about my feelings. “Many people will judge me, and some others will tell me you are not grateful” that’s how I felt, and I preferred to keep quiet and get on with it.
What is my life purpose besides making milk? Clueless first time mother thoughts.
Am I just a cow, feeding, changing, carrying, and putting my baby to sleep? Is that all there is to my life now? I feel like she’s stolen everything from me – my time, my body, my dreams. And I’m stuck on this chair, unable to finish anything I started. Sometimes I don’t even have time to brush my teeth.
I know I wanted to do this, but why do I feel so resentful? Why do I cry every day? I’m running around like a headless chicken, trying to meet the demands of this tiny human who cries for no reason at all. And I feel like such a failure because I can’t even make enough milk for her.
My self-esteem has plummeted. I hated myself for not being responsible enough, for not knowing what I was doing. Why did I even want to be a mom in the first place?
But then I remember how much I loved her before she was even born. I imagined what she would look like, made songs for her. And now she’s here, more gorgeous than my dreams.
Being a mother is tough. It’s hard work, it’s draining, it’s exhausting. But it’s also rewarding. You have a mini version of yourself, a second chance to live a life full of potential. And you want this little human to be better than you.
I realize now that I was struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically because of the pressure and high expectations I put on myself. I needed my daughter to be proud of me, to think I’m the right mother for her. But I was so tough on myself that my confidence dropped lower every day.
I wanted her approval, but she only needed my love. And a year later, I realized that no one else’s opinion or judgment mattered. I’m not perfect, but neither is anyone else. I don’t need to seek reassurance from other moms or compare myself to them.
I may have snapped at her, shouted at her, and made mistakes. But I also spent my day trying to calm her down and make her feel loved. And that’s what matters most.
To all the mamas out there, I want you to know that you are not alone. We have all been where you are, felt what you feel, and struggled with the same doubts and fears. But you are wonderful, and you are doing the best you can. You don’t need anyone’s approval to be a great mom, and you shouldn’t let self-doubt consume you.
Motherhood is a tough job, and it takes time to adjust to the new challenges and responsibilities. You may make mistakes and have moments of weakness, but that’s okay. It’s important to keep learning, keep going, and keep forgiving yourself.
Remember, there is no manual for motherhood. There is no set timeline for when you should feel like you’ve got it all figured out. But what matters most is being there for your child, loving them unconditionally, and doing the best you can every day. So be kind to yourself, open up and talk to other moms, seek help when needed, and never be afraid of judgment.
In the end, your memories will last a lifetime, and your love for your child will endure. Keep being you, keep loving yourself first, and keep giving your all to this little human you brought into the world. You are a warrior, a hero, and a role model. Don’t forget it.
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