8 strange emotions of a first time CLUELESS mom

Becoming a mother had always been a dream of mine. I wanted to be a girl mom specifically. I pictured myself doing all the cute things, like matching outfits, brushing her hair, and holding hands while strolling down the street. It all seemed so perfect until the reality hit me. After giving birth, I felt overwhelmed, clueless, and emotional. I have gone through some cycles of strange emotions of first time mom. It was messy, insanely beautiful, but also nerve racking experience.


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My birth story

I had just welcomed my greatest gift, my daughter Lilly, and I had such high expectations of myself. I had read books and followed parenting techniques to raise my daughter perfectly. No screen time before the age of 2, healthy organic meals, and multilingual story time. I wanted to be that “amazing” new mom that I had seen on social media.

lilly in our first night in the hospital- strange emotions of a first time mom

But that was probably too ambitious of me!

However, as soon as Lilly was born, I was hit with reality. I did not know what to do with my long awaited doll. Oh, she is quite perfect! But she needs changing, feeding, and burping is a big deal for new babies, obviously. And I had no idea how to do any of that.

All alone in the hospital, with my big scar, traumatic birth experience, and my little adorable baby girl, and lots of strange emotions that I did not know how to cope with or whom to tell?

8 beautiful but strange emotions of a firsttime mom

1-I did not feel anything but pain

I was alone in the hospital, unable to move my legs, back, or even go to the bathroom. I didn’t know how to take care of my newborn baby and the weight of her felt like a mountain on my chest, even with her 3.45 kg. The pain was so unbearable that I couldn’t feel anything else. Nevertheless, the joy of becoming a mother. Nurses were there to help me, but it was not enough to soothe my emotional confusion.

strange emotions of a mom

Laying there on the hospital bed, having my doll curling on top of my chest. In addition to my struggle, the lack of experince made it worse. On the other hand, the trauma of a major surgery that I was not prepared for was still affecting me profoundly. Meanwhile, my little angel was sleeping peacefully not aware of what was going on inside of me. And just like that looking at her makes everything go away.

2- Strange Emotions ( confusion, numbness, and being lost)

I have read so many books about motherhood, and what to expect. None of them have taught me how to deal with the emotions I had, nor the emotions I didn’t have. For instance, how to switch from the pregnancy mode to the new mom mode? How to tell her I have been waiting for her when I’m in a severe pain because of her?

I didn’t even change my beautiful baby once, because I didn’t know how. The 3 inch gap between my bed and her cot, felt like 30 miles. Furthermore, I was so scared to touch her least I break her. I didn’t know how to put her on my breasts. I knew my breasts will hurt, but for God sake not that much I didn’t know. Nonetheless, latching her was one huge relief to me.

emy on delivery bed giving birth to lilly

I felt alone and in pain, and the emotions were too much for me to process. I couldn’t enjoy the beauty of being a mother. The wave of those overwhelming flood of emotions that all the books talked about was not there, and I felt ashamed of myself for not feeling it. Clearly, I was still in shock.

Strange emotions of a clueless first time mom: Going home with the baby.

Now what?

Having set my mind on going to “boobs vs. baby” school to learn everything about breastfeeding. The right way to hold her, the right way to latch her, the amount of milk I will make, and everything in between. The plan has changed completely as I could not take care of myself. I needed someone to take care of both of us.

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3-Forget sleeping in any position

I have admit it, everyone says new moms don’t sleep well. But no one said anything about not sleeping at all. At that time, I would give anything to get couple of hours to sleep.

Going home was not any easier, either. The ride home was the most painful thing I had ever experienced, and I was still in pain when I got home. Nobody tells you about the constipation for days. You would literally do anything to GO. Similarly, the shock your body has to go through of “your milk coming,” and the crazy hormonal shock that your body goes through is like no other. I couldn’t sleep in any position. Moreover, my body still hadn’t realized that the baby was out because I didn’t have a natural birth.


4-Am I being punished because I couldn’t PUSH?

I’m torn between my beautiful baby and my inadequate body. The body I maintained all those years, and kept it fit and healthy for that moment, failed me.

I have always thought I’m tough, I have made a list for the things I wanted and give them to my midwife. I refused Epidural, and I was so keen on being aware of everything happening. 16 hours later I’m still in labor, I’m fainting. Entonox is not helping. My baby’s heart rate is up and I could not take the pain any longer. Still didn’t eat, barely drank water and whatever was in my system was out in a projectile vomiting.

I desperately begged my husband for Epidural as I could not take the pain anymore. I was convinced that I was going to die.

mother in labour, strange emotions of contractions

5-The comparison trap. Why I’m not like Instagram moms?

Even though the birth experience was tough. I can’t explain how amazing I felt everytime I put my baby on my chest. Indeed, it was weirdly beautiful. She is so soft, so angelic but why she is crying all the time? I fed her, changed her, I’m holding her, yet she is still crying, why?

I saw some Instagram moms feeding their babies, putting them down to sleep, going for showers, and having their coffees while still hot aaaaaand sometimes binging Netflix. I wondered whether I was jinxed.

Are those mommies for real? If that is reality ,why I’m not like them and if they are lying then why??

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OH YES! She is staying

She is mine, she is gonna be here always and I’m gonna have to find ways to understand how things will go. Not through books but through try and error-I guess. Because “no one tells you”.

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6-Nah, Neh, wah…etc. Bullshish!

Googling how to distinguish my baby’s different cries was a bit hilarious though!

I watched the mind blowing interview at Oprah’s show over and over and over again. I sat in front of my baby looking at her mouth trying to know was that the neh or the eh? Like an idiot I sat there not being able to crack the code. I literally could not distinguish between any of them and no shows made anything easier. It rather made me feel like a complete failure. To illustrate. sitting gazing at my newborn mouth not moving an eyelid was one of the most crazy things I did not just a strange emotion I had.

lilly and me

7-I was struggling mentally and I didn’t realize it.

I never knew how much milk I should produce and how much she should get. I was trying to squeeze every single drop out of me. And if I spelled one drop, my world broke. I felt a failure that I didn’t make enough milk for my baby.

That evening, it was her 7:45 feed and I did not have milk for my daughter. I went to the kitchen looking at the empty milk bump crying my heart out because I felt I’m starving Lilly. My husband saw me and got very worried about my mental health. For him, it was the first sign that I was not okay. I didn’t realize I was not fine. My midwife and the health visitor-on the two weeks post partum visit-told me “Lilly is doing great, we are not worried about the baby, it is you we are worried about”.

I thought they were crazy to say that, because I felt absolutley fine.

“He caught me crying over the unexpressed milk”

Emy’s suitcase

I did not understand that statement. I was struggling with post partum depression and I didn’t realize it. I thought it was just the baby blues. Moreover, I thought I was just being emotional as I knew nothing about my new role. Because why would I be depressed? Society says you should be grateful. Also, everybody around you tells you “careful babies pick up on your emotions” and “you HAVE to be happy”. Two killer statements increase anxiety and throws the new mother to the darkest hole of emotions to suppress herself further more.

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8-I was so scared of my newborn baby

Yes, I knew there will be no much sleep, but I didn’t imagine I would go for 5 days without 3 hours net. In the first week if I got 20 minutes solid, I would be happy.

However, the 6th night with the baby was the hardest, as the sleep deprivation hit rock bottom. My husband and I were losing our sanity because of our angelic baby who would set her alarm off every 12 minutes, when we were almost nodding off, here she goes again!!! Driving us absolutely insane.

baby, feet, bare

Particularly, when my husband shouted at her, I got shocked but I understood that he is really struggling. I was struggling as well but differently. Truth be told, I was scared of my baby. Every time she cried I jumped out of fear. I imagined her crawling on the walls and every time I got closer I saw her differently. Some other times I felt she is not mine. I struggled and suffered alone because I was ashamed to open up and talk about my feelings. “Many people will judge me, and some others will tell me you are not grateful” that’s how I felt, and I preferred to keep quiet and get on with it.

What is my life purpose besides making milk?

This one was on the top of my strange emotions list as a first time mom

Am I just a cow, feeding, changing, carrying, and putting my baby to sleep? Is that all there is to my life now? I feel like she’s stolen everything from me – my time, my body, my dreams. And I’m stuck on this chair, unable to finish anything I started. Sometimes, I don’t even have time to brush my teeth.

I know I wanted to do this, but why do I feel so resentful? Why do I cry every day? I’m running around like a headless chicken, trying to meet the demands of this tiny human who cries for no reason at all. And I feel like such a failure because I can’t even make enough milk for her.

My self-esteem has plummeted. I hated myself for not being responsible enough, for not knowing what I was doing. Why did I even want to be a mom in the first place?

But then I remember how much I loved her before she was even born. I imagined what she would look like, made songs for her. And now she’s here, more gorgeous beyond my wildest dreams.

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Being a mother is tough! It’s hard work, it’s draining, it’s exhausting. But it’s also rewarding. You have a mini version of yourself, a second chance to live a life full of potential. In addition to that, you want this little human to be better than you.

A wave of strange emotions mixed with love I don’t recognize.

I realize now that I was struggling mentally, emotionally, and physically. Clearly, I put so much pressure on myself. Moreover, I did not manage my expectations well. Infact, I needed my daughter to be proud of me, to think I’m the right mother for her. On the other hand, I was so tough on myself. Because I expected more of myself. As a result, my confidence dropped lower every day.

I wanted her approval, but she only needed my love. Especially my unconditional LOVE. Clearly, she has it. That sort of love that is like no other.

Ultimately, a year later, I realized that no one else’s opinion or judgment mattered. I’m not perfect, but neither is anyone else. I don’t need to seek reassurance from other moms or compare myself to them.

I may have snapped at her, shouted at her, and made mistakes. Similarly, I worked hard on myself to be better. Also, I spent my days trying to calm her down and make her feel loved. And that’s what matters the most.

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Final thoughts on strange emotions of new moms

To all the mamas out there, I want you to know that you are not alone. We all have been where you are. We felt what you feel, and we struggled like you. Infact, we as mothers have the same strange emotions , I I shared in this post. In fact, it is quite healthy to have them especially for firs time or new moms.

However, in case you have a tiny doubt ,you have to know this, you are wonderful, and you are doing the best you can. Furthermore, You don’t need anyone’s approval to be a great mom, and you shouldn’t let self-doubt consume you.

Motherhood is a tough job, and it takes time to adjust to the new challenges and responsibilities. Surprisingly, we all make the same mistakes when we occupy a new role. Especially if it is a role we didn’t play before. Therefore, It’s important to keep educating yourself on motherhood. Keep learning, keep going, and keep forgiving yourself.

What to do next?

Lastly, there is no manual for motherhood. In fact, there is no set rules, or timeline for when you should feel like you’ve got it all figured out. Because no one has it all figured out. But what matters the most is being there for your child, and loving them unconditionally. So, be kind to yourself, make some time for yourself to discover your new self. Also, open up and talk to other moms, seek help when needed, and never be afraid of judgment.

In the end, your memories will last a lifetime, and your love for your child will endure. Moreover, those strange emotions of a first time mom will be vague at some point. Do not deny them to yourself, they are normal. Keep being you, keep loving yourself first and keep giving your all to this little human you brought into the world. You are a warrior, a hero, and a role model. Don’t forget it.

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